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Fear of success: how to befriend the unknown
Clients often mention fear of success during sessions. For years, the idea of being afraid to achieve something never made logical sense to me. Why would anyone crave success and also fear it?
It started making more sense the moment I reframed it as a fear of the unknown.
Fearing the unknown has been baked into our wiring. Way back when our ancestors were doodling mammoths on walls, switching living quarters, hunting grounds, or even dinner options could have disastrous consequences. Uncertainty was a killer, and changing things up for the sake of it wouldn't have crossed their minds.
Up until the previous century, most people would have encountered little variety in their daily lives. Social mobility was limited. Whether you grew up on a farm or a country estate, you'd almost certainly die on that same farm or country estate.
Times have changed, and opportunities for creating success are now abundant for those brave and privileged enough to grab them. The old wiring, though, keeps holding us back.
The backlash of success
When we fear success, we're rarely afraid of the achievement itself. We're afraid of the opportunity costs that might come with it. Call it the backlash.
You might be hoping for a well-paid role at a prestigious tech company, but if the backlash looks like a 70-hour week, you'll probably think twice about applying. Or you're fantasising about being your own boss, but the thought of being judged by family and friends for leaving a stable job stops you from making it happen.
Some of those fears are justified. The old wiring, though, gives you a negative confirmation bias. You'll see only the dangers and assume that any change is going to be:
- Difficult. "I might not be able to handle it. I don't know how to do this. People will make it hard for me."
- Costly. "The downsides outweigh the benefits. This will pull me away from what I value. It may go against my identity, status, or relationships."
- Weird. "People will judge me. I'll look stupid. Nobody else is doing this."
To move past those beliefs and spur into action, you need to turn your anxiety about potential sacrifices into curiosity about possible opportunities. They're two sides of the same coin.
Author Erika Andersen calls this shift the change arc. Until you go through it and come out the other end, you'll stay stuck.
Three mindset shifts
There are deeper psychological reasons that explain why some people are more comfortable with change than others, including personality, self-worth, and confidence. Often, though, all it takes to get past your fear of success is a shift in mindset.
1. From difficult to doable
Remind yourself that you can figure things out even if you don't know how to do something right now. In coaching, we call this self-efficacy.
Find examples from your past where you handled change with courage. Get clear on what success looks like. Break whatever you're working towards into its main milestones. Then work out the first series of actions you need to take to move the dial forward.
2. From costly to rewarding
Turn your lens towards the positive outcomes you can expect once you make the change. Then look closely at the opportunity costs of not making it.
The status quo may feel appealing right now. Will it still feel appealing in six months? Two years? Will you be kicking yourself in ten years for not making the change?
3. From weird to normal
Seek out others who've made a similar change. You'll quickly realise that what you have planned is more common than you thought.
Find role models and allies who'll reassure you that the change is possible and positive. They serve as evidence that your peer group won't shun you for wanting better.
Fear setting
A useful exercise for looking at the worst-case backlash is fear setting. Popularised by Tim Ferriss and inspired by Stoic philosophy, fear setting is a practice where you systematically address all your fears and develop contingency plans for every possible challenge.
It helps you move past fear-based paralysis. I've put together a worksheet based on his exercise.
Befriending the unknown
Fear of success is a more glamorous way to describe a fear of the unknown. To get past it, reframe the unknown as something feasible and even exciting.
Your concerns about the backlash may be justified. You won't move forward, though, unless you frame the future as manageable, rewarding, and normal.
If you'd like to find out more about how to get past your fear of success, you can book a free consultation call.